Discussing UK law. Links: swarb.co.uk | law-index | Acts | Members Image galleries

It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

A place to sit about and chat between more important things.

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Smouldering Stoat » Sat Nov 26, 2016 4:52 pm

My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
Smouldering Stoat
 
Posts: 6112
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:31 pm
Location: Near the Creek.

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Smouldering Stoat » Sat Nov 26, 2016 4:54 pm

Smouldering Stoat wrote:Every Train Driver's favourite joke (as stolen from Bob Monkhouse) :-

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Dad. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.


When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Fidel Castro. Not screaming in terror like his victims.
Smouldering Stoat
 
Posts: 6112
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:31 pm
Location: Near the Creek.

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby 3.14 » Sun Nov 27, 2016 1:38 pm

Image
Hide in the noise. #hackerwisdom
User avatar
3.14
 
Posts: 2040
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 2:58 pm

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby dls » Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:26 pm

Veryvery funny. Nearly as good as Corbyn's worshipping of Castro as the father of Democratic socialism
David Swarbrick (Admin) dswarb@gmail.com - 0795 457 9992
User avatar
dls
Site Admin
 
Posts: 11782
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:35 pm
Location: Brighouse, West Yorkshire

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Smouldering Stoat » Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:56 pm

Mick Jagger has become a father at the age of 73. He's looking forward to sharing many experiences with his new son, mostly incontinence and uncontrollable dribbling.
Smouldering Stoat
 
Posts: 6112
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:31 pm
Location: Near the Creek.

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby dls » Fri Dec 09, 2016 7:20 am

That may be a fair anticipation for some of us, but to be fair, MJ seems to be a long way short as yet.
David Swarbrick (Admin) dswarb@gmail.com - 0795 457 9992
User avatar
dls
Site Admin
 
Posts: 11782
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:35 pm
Location: Brighouse, West Yorkshire

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Smouldering Stoat » Thu Dec 22, 2016 2:16 pm

What's the difference between a turkey and the Labour Party? They're both stuffed, but nobody expects the turkey to fly.
Smouldering Stoat
 
Posts: 6112
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 6:31 pm
Location: Near the Creek.

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby atticus » Sun Jan 08, 2017 11:24 am

Some wag on Twitter has suggested that Video now knows what to do ...
Attachments
image.png
image.png (505.55 KiB) Viewed 259 times
User avatar
atticus
 
Posts: 18631
Joined: Sun Nov 11, 2012 2:27 pm
Location: E&W

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Hairyloon » Mon Feb 06, 2017 1:36 am

We've probably had this one before, but I was moved to think of it by current events:
Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.
When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration."
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck."
Joe was suprised, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years"
Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E."
Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Take me to your lizard...
User avatar
Hairyloon
 
Posts: 9308
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:12 pm
Location: From there to here and here to there... Funny things are everywhere.

Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Boo » Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:54 pm

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am!”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?!”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
God - "I have made Mankind!"
Angels - "You screwed up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. Look at it. It's got anxiety!"
User avatar
Boo
 
Posts: 3777
Joined: Thu Nov 01, 2012 1:53 pm
Location: On the edge!

PreviousNext

Return to The Robing Room

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest