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It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

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Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Smouldering Stoat » Sat Nov 25, 2017 2:17 pm

I've got piles and piles of washing up.

I don't know which one is worse.
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Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby dls » Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:10 am

Prince Harry getting married!! I didn't even know that Angela Merkel was divorced
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Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby atticus » Tue Nov 28, 2017 10:31 am

When I heard Harry was getting married I was concerned he'd be taking his eye off the ball for Spurs and England.
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Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby 3.14 » Sun Dec 24, 2017 1:58 pm

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2011
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Galt House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2011
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2011
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2011
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the t able closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 5, 2011
RE: The Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:December 6, 2011
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan
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Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby shootist » Sun Dec 24, 2017 3:27 pm

Many a true word spoken in jest.
"I do not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death my right to be offended by it."
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Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Smouldering Stoat » Wed Dec 27, 2017 9:21 am

At this time of peace and goodwill to all men, remember that no matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
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Re: It's not my turn to start the joke thread again...

Postby Hairyloon » Sun Jan 07, 2018 9:51 pm

Donald Trump has just completed a 25 piece jigsaw, and called a press conference to announce his achievement.

"It took me only 13 days", he told the assembled media.

"Is that supposed to be good?" piped up one daring journalist.

"Good?" responded Trump. "It's genius, I tell you. Just look at the box. it says '2 to 3 years'."
Take me to your lizard...
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